A Little Transparency Here: A Glimpse Into My Journey of Self-Awareness
The Bible tells husbands that they should ββ¦love their wives as their own bodiesβ in Ephesians 5:28. And Jesus gives the second of the two greatest commandments, βlove your neighbor as yourself.β β Mathew 22:39. That being said, we believe that the road to βtwo becoming oneβ in marriage is paved in part by self-awareness.
Basically, the key to loving another is being able to correctly love yourself, and the key to loving yourself well is coming to a deeper understanding of who you are inside. Iβm talking about the βwhyβ behind the things that you do. It involves getting to know and appreciate those really cool things that make you special and a benefit to those you come in contact with: your strong suits. It also entails you becoming more and more cognizant of your shortcomings, or the things you do that impede your growth, or your ability to grow in relationship with others. We all have both, but weβre not always fully aware of them. And to be well-balanced, to understand better how to really love yourself, you must have a pretty-good grasp of both. So with that said, hereβs a small peek into my journeyβ¦
This time during the pandemic has been so weird for me. Iβm an introvert, so I've always had a tendency toward isolation. In recent years, I've come out of my shell more and I've been able to operate outside of my comfort zone. I've made some friendships, and faced some conflicts that I would normally just avoid. But being cooped up because of stay at home orders, or just having to be careful and extra thoughtful about venturing out, has my mind wanting me to revert back to old habits. And this was supposed to be the year that I would broaden my horizons and work toward building even more relationships with others. Like, it was on my vision board for the year and everything! But alas, COVID-19 has made socializing more uncomfortable, and just more difficult. Yet, I'm learning that I just have to remain intentional in making sure that Iβm not withdrawing socially.
So, aside from feeling the need to stay at home in a bubble because of health & safety reasons, I can be really self-conscious and come up with lots of excuses not to reach out to others:
I tend to feel weird and awkward around others.
I feel like people are too busy and donβt really want to be bothered with my awkward self.
Sometimes I think I come off as some sort of weepy cry baby because I can get emotional about things like my journey of growth, or something difficult I'm facing.
I tend to worry that maybe I did something weird to make someone not want to be around me anymore, or Iβm afraid that I will.
There are times I just tell myself that I donβt need others, just the Lord and family β even when I may have no one in my family that Iβm actually doing life with. I do this to let myself off the hook with having to challenge myself to leave my comfort zone.
I donβt like to open up and talk about issues I have that I havenβt heard about others struggling with for fear of being judged. And then the idea of feeling like I have to be so guarded is tiresome to me. So it seems easier not to bother.
Yeah, I realized all that may sound a little neurotic, but thatβs where my mind can go. I feel safe at home where I know Iβm loved, regardless of whatever difficulties I encounter as I navigate those relationships. But lately God has been reminding me of how my isolationism isnβt good for me, and that I do need others:
To hold me accountable. I can be very complacent. My friends encourage me toward forward movement. They remind me that as long as I have breath in my lungs, thereβs still stuff I can and need to be doing. As we share whatβs going on in our lives, I am encouraged not to just give up on an area of my life just because it isnβt working correctly right now. That I can make small steps and continue in prayer until noticeable improvement is evident.
For a reality check. Sometimes I just need to be reminded that Iβm not a freak and that βnormalβ is a very loose concept. Sometimes, when there is no one in my household that can understand me, a friend can.
For camaraderie
To help me get things off my chest
To remember that Iβm not alone, and that someone else β particularly another woman β cares. And yes, even though I am married and share a close relationship with my husband, there are times I have felt alone.
To have someone who will pray for/with me
To just have fun and laugh with
To give another person the chance to know me and my flaws, yet still love and appreciate me in spite of those flaws. The more I experience this, the more comfortable I become forging relationships. The less familiar I get with living this out is when all these fears and doubts start flooding my mind again.
For opportunities for me to care for others in these same ways. βAnd let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one anotherβand all the more as you see the Day approaching.β β Hebrews 10:24-25 NIV
So I've learned to just make myself get out and do stuff, regardless of how I'm feeling at the time, so that I'm not being held back by fear. And then the next time I find myself feeling a little anxious about getting together with others, I remind myself of the last time and how that turned out because I almost always enjoy hanging out.
And when it comes to these excuses I come up with for not connecting with others, God has also been encouraging and affirming to me that:
What I call my βawkwardnessβ is the uniqueness God put into me to bless others. There is no one else on earth like me, and I canβt afford to dim my light in fear of what others might think. I was put here for a purpose, and I am more and more determined to live out that purpose every day. βYou are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.β β Matthew 5:14-16
βSince we have gifts that differ according to the grace given to us, each of us is to exercise them accordinglyβ¦ β Romans 12:6
Doggone it, people like me!π β No seriously, Heβs showing me that Iβm not as hard to like as I think I am. Like everyone else, I have qualities that can be of help and comfort to others as well as to their enjoyment. And I intend to use my powers for good! π
My willingness to show my emotions creates space for those who seek a place to be vulnerable. People who respect it are kind, and seem to understand that itβs just like that sometimes. There are times you just have to let the tears fall. Allowing yourself to acknowledge and feel your hurt is a part of dealing with the problem and resolving things within yourself. And those who donβt respect it β which Iβve found are few β Iβm still learning how to deal with them. But Iβm progressing in not letting those type of people make me feel that I canβt or shouldnβt be who I am.
It is what it isβ¦ I canβt be perfect, but that doesnβt mean I canβt have friends. Just like there are people in my life that occasionally do or say things that offend or make me feel uncomfortable, yet I still meet them with forgiveness and persevere in relationship with them β not reducing them down to their less desirable moments, while also acknowledging that I offend sometimes too β others are willing to do the same for me. This is just a part of imperfect people doing life together.
For me itβs usually βthe more the merrier!β I really love getting to know people, and letting them get to know me. I find joy in understanding people in a deeper context. Not just who they are today, but the journey of experiences that molded them into this person I know. I love seeing how people do things differently than what I know. I love to hear about peopleβs growth and lessons learned. I love to laugh and share my life and who I am with others. I love people!
Being willing to share my issues and struggles makes me relatable to others. When I open up to others theyβre not usually waiting to gossip about me, look down on me, or tell me how messed up I am. They empathize and they understand that I wonβt judge them either. And thatβs the space I like to be in with people: where I can be unguarded.
Bottom line is that we were meant to live our lives in community. And when we donβt, not only do we deprive ourselves of the depth, diversity and blessings of walking through this life with others, we also deprive others of our particular gifts and the perspective weβve gotten from our own experiences in life.
I just felt led to open up about this. I hope something that Iβve said here was encouraging to someone else, as this is THE ONLY reason why I would write about this and post it to the internet for everyone to see.π€β£οΈππ
How about you? Does the thought of being around others sometimes give you anxiety? Maybe you have other reasons to withdraw from others. Or perhaps this slower pace of life has brought other areas to your attention that you need to see to? What do you do about it? Share with us below!
If youβd like us to partner with you in prayer on this, drop a prayer request here.ππ½