Room To Fail
When your mate messes up, do you:
Meet them with grace and compassion, giving them room to learn on their own, because you know that you too are capable of messing up, and you have confidence that they can learn from their mistakes as well?
Talk with them to try and understand what happened that led to this; forgiving them, and then work together to figure out how to keep this from happening again?
Angrily ask them questions like โWhy would you do this??โ or โHow could you let this happen??โ without actually listening for their answer with the intention to take strides toward moving forward?
Go on and on about how bad this was, and other times theyโve messed up, and/or how they shouldโve listened to you because you tried to tell themโฆ
In this post, we are going to speak individually. Weโll signify whoโs talking by heading up what we say with our little cartoon portraits:
Anthony Monica
Think about the question above as you read what we have to share belowโฆ
Ford stress tested the axels for their Super Duty pickup trucks before they went into production. Their objective was to break the axle. They didn't want the axle to โpassโ the test. They wanted to know when it was gonna break and at what threshold it would break. That was the job. Their desire was to get it to fail because in failure they learn about the axel: what it's prone to do under pressure; what problems it would have under heat; all the different things to have a more intimate understanding of
what happens when this thing fails. They do all this so they can eliminate it from happening under feasible driving circumstances, because they know it isnโt indestructible, and [they donโt want to be responsible for anyone getting hurt]. They were unhappy when the axel wasn't failing, because they were unclear as to how it would perform, what it could take, and why it didn't fail, etc.
Similarly, in relationships we learn much more about one another, and can make necessary steps forward to improve our marriage situations through our failures as opposed to our successes. So, be yourself, and be yourself early. Not that you abuse this, but your spouse needs to know who you are, and you guys need to fail and know how you're gonna respond and recover during those times. Your spouse gets to learn about you in your failures. So they can understand how you come to a failure, how you react to failure, what happens when youโre under pressure, what happens when your feelings are hurt, and what happens when you're angry with them. And not to say that you manipulate situations to bring that about, but you should be able to step back and let it happen naturally as part of the Lord's work in their lives.
I once was more of a headache to my husband than I was a joy. I remember when I first read the scripture in Proverbs 14 โ โThe wise woman builds her house, but the foolish tears it down with her own hands.โ I immediately saw myself in the foolish woman in how I didnโt control my emotions or my tongue, and in how I tried to impress my ideals and ways of doing things on my husband as though they were so much more superior to his. The foolish woman tearing down her
own house was also reflected in how I couldnโt give up my โright to be rightโ about things โ whether it was really important or didnโt really matter in the whole scheme of things โ from how to hang the toilet tissue, organize the dishes in the dishwasher or clean a room, to things like financial decisions or handling requests from our daughters. I would take every opportunity to argue my point on these matters and others like them, as if I was in a debate team competition! And all this makes me think of Proverbs 21 that says โItโs better to live alone in the corner of an attic than with a quarrelsome wife in a lovely home.โ Ouch!!๐ I was prideful and just plain annoying! Getting so upset because he missed a freeway exit, or didnโt take the shortest route, or he wanted to splurge on a product that he thought would better suit us in the long run, when a cheaper option was available and we didnโt have much money. God does not care whether we take what we perceive to be the most efficient driving routes or not, but He definitely doesnโt like pride at all! In fact, the Bible says in I Peter 5:5 โGod resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble.โ
After reading the scripture about the wise woman versus the foolish one, I was convicted โ I felt terrible! Everyone has a basic need to have some peace in their home life, and to be respected, and I was working against those things for my own husband! I was the quarrelsome wife. So, I immediately went to my husband in tears, apologizing saying โI donโt want to be the foolish woman who tears her house down with her own hands!โ Since then, through this new self-awareness, prayer, and God working on how I thought and viewed things, I have been more successful in extending respect to my husband as a unique individual made in the image of God, and thereby building a more intimate, loving relationship with him! As I learned to keep myself from trying to shove my ideals and my ways of doing things down his throat, I came to appreciate his way of doing things, and how situations tend to be okay no matter how differently he goes about them. Even when theyโre not so good, weโre okay โ the world doesnโt end! We still manage to get to where weโre going in decent time, even when he makes a wrong turn.๐
As I became more and more open to letting him โdo him,โ I came to understand that I have to give him room, not just to be who he is, but even to mess up, or to fail. I canโt be constantly trying to correct him about everything. Itโs one thing for me to share what I think or know about something, but itโs an entirely different matter for me to try and nag him into doing what I think is best. Iโve learned that this never really works, and that he has his own road to travel and there are some things he has to learn in his own way and in God's timing. Just as Iโve learned things my own way.
It helps to try to put in your spouseโs mind that you expect them to fail sometimes and not because they suck, but because that's what people do. But, hereโs the important part: If your spouse really understands that you have an expectation that they're going to fail sometimes, it makes it easier for them to come to you with it, because you would be a hypocrite to turn around and say, โAwe!! How could you?? What did you do??โ They can bring it to you, and you
can work through it together. And not work through it together in that โI'll take the lead, because you already loused it up on your own.โ But really partner up on it.
Now, what does all of this say to your spouse? It says โI trust you enough that I'm telling you I know that you're gonna mess up. I don't expect you to not mess up. I don't expect you to never offend me, make me angry, or make the wrong decision. The only expectation I set is that you are upfront about it and allow us the opportunity to work through it together, if need be.โ Because that's what marriage is; working through the hard stuff together, all the while growing in a greater understanding of and deeper intimacy with one another. But, if I create an atmosphere where you're very hesitant to come to me because of how I might react, that is super counterproductive to the way we grow together in marriage. But that's traditionally what we do.
I've also come to understand that it's not my job to fix my husbandit's not my job to fix my husband, nor do I even know how to go about it in the best way. Iโm not his Maker, so while there might be some things I see in him that I think need to go, they may be there for a purpose and just need some tweaking. Basically, the following scripture passages apply to my husband:
โThe Lord will fulfill his purpose for me; your steadfast love, O Lord, endures forever. Do not forsake the work of your hands.โ โ Psalms 138:8
โThe steps of a man are established by the Lord, when he delights in his way; though he fall, he shall not be cast headlong, for the Lord upholds his hand.โ
โ Psalms 37:23-24
So thinking back to the question at the beginning of this post: Do you give your spouse room to mess up, or are you all over them when they do? Or maybe you just give a condescending eye roll, shrug your shoulders and say absolutely nothing with your words. When your spouse messes up, are you using it as an opportunity to build in your marriage with love, trust, patience, forgiveness, etc., or is it an opportunity for you to do damage? I guarantee you tend to lean one way or the other. โค๏ธ
#loveeffectively #roomtofail