The Marriage Reservoir
Every deep relationship— and specifically marriage— has a reservoir. The reservoir is filled with different things: memories of fun and/or exciting times you’ve shared; times where you were there for one another; gifts received; compliments and encouraging words; thoughtful actions; times of physical affection; great sex you’ve shared; times your spouse has pleasantly surprised you; times they’ve had your back when you really needed it; instances where you were shown grace by the other; troubles experienced and overcome together; quality time spent together; all the quantity time you’ve spent together; and all of the bonding you’ve done. These are some of the things that can fill your reservoir.
Some things take from your reservoir. Now, this isn’t a bad thing, since we are imperfect human beings and liable to mess up at least from time to time. This is actually a necessary purpose of the reservoir. Some things that can subtract from the contents of the reservoir are: arguments, being rude, being inconsiderate, selfishness or self-centered behavior, doing something that embarrasses your spouse in front of others, or other cases of hurt — particularly when you’re not quick to reconcile; extended time away, or any kind of busyness that keeps you from connecting (like long work hours, opposite shifts, or spending a great deal of time caring for a family member that doesn’t live with you) — anything that stands in the way of furthering the intimacy or bond of your marriage.
When filled, the reservoir acts as a lubricant between you and your spouse when things get tense, or you’re in conflict. It makes it easier to extend grace, patience, kindness, gentleness, compassion, forgiveness, over look an offense, or extend the benefit of the doubt during times where your willingness to display these traits are being tested [these are traits that the Lord instructs us to live by in general Christian community scripture references]. We are able to do this because we are not too far away from being reminded that our mate loves us.
When the well is dry, there will be more friction in the relationship. You will start to see some indicators that the reservoir is running low. It can become more difficult to show all the kindnesses above. One or both of you may become ‘touchy’ and tend to get more easily frustrated or irritated with the other. It may become harder to work out your disagreements. Those ‘little things’ that once seemed as not a big deal, where you once could’ve overlooked or gently and lovingly corrected your spouse, now has crawled up under your skin and is nagging at every nerve inside you. You ‘fall out’ with each other more often, and communication can be a steep uphill battle. On top of that, you’ll be less inclined to do the things that replenish the reservoir.
In marriage, we need to be aware of this, and make sure that we are continually depositing into it. The reservoir can possibly make or break your relationship when major things happen. Just like with a bank account: If you intentionally and regularly put money aside, when an emergency arises like you have to get a new furnace in the middle of January, even if you have to deplete your entire savings account to get it, you will be okay, and can rebuild from there. But if you don’t have any money, or if you only have like $200, you are going to be in serious trouble, and you’re definitely gonna need outside assistance (credit). Well, there’s no credit in marriage. You need your reservoir to survive a major crisis that can potentially tear your marriage apart. If you encounter infidelity, or the loss of a child, or any other gut punch life can send your way, you will need to be able to draw from your reservoir to make it through together. In times like these, if your reservoir is really low or empty, seeking outside assistance from a counselor can help, but the reservoir makes your chances so much better. So we have to become more cognizant of the tell-tale signs that the reservoir is running low, and make sure we take the time to make the adjustment in our lives.
About eight years ago, Anthony was working third shift at his job. His shift was from 10:30 PM til 6:30 AM, Sunday nights through Friday mornings, and often he’d work an extra Friday to Saturday shift as well. I was working part time during the day. He would try and sleep during the day while the kids were at school. Then after school, when he was up, I would be helping kids with homework, attending basketball games, dropping off and picking up kids from rehearsals and practices, making dinner… just all the things that have to be done on school nights. He would help out with some of the responsibilities, like take kids too school in the morning after he got off, or stop at the grocery store to pick up needed items on his way home, but I tried not to bother him too much to allow him to be calm and well rested before going in to work.
Eventually during this time, he and I got into a place where our limited time together was filled with too much arguing and disagreements. I missed my husband and felt like I never saw him. We weren’t going on dates, and he was missing from a lot of family gatherings because of his work/sleep schedule. I was very upset about all this and blamed him for not trying hard enough, but he didn’t understand it from my perspective because he could point out times where we were together — or maybe occupying the same space. He also didn’t feel like I understood his plight of working third shift and never feeling as though he got enough sleep, and thus feeling like he didn’t have the time to go on any dates. And yet I felt like all he did was sleep (he’d be in the bed, but not getting much rest). We weren’t having sex very often either. He was at work during the time we would normally try and get the bedroom activities jumpin off. A lot of times when he made an advancement on me, I wasn’t in the mood to respond in an amorous way. This made him feel rejected, so he started to refrain from trying. I wasn’t feeling the closeness we had once shared, nor did I feel that my needs were being met outside of the bedroom, so I wasn’t initiating anything either.
One day, after his shift was over, and we had gotten all the kids off to school, it all came to a head. We got into a big fight, where we both aggressively laid all our issues and gripes on the table. The conversation just wasn’t moving towards any kind of truce or reconciliation. He couldn’t relate to my complaints, and I couldn’t relate to his. We just stopped, with all that we had said to one another still lingering in the air. I remember feeling very defeated. Like I had given it all I had, and it amounted to nothing.
Later that day, we talked. The discussion was more civil. We had to admit that talking about all the issues was getting us nowhere. Our relationship was broken. We started to ask ourselves “What can we do to build?” My husband had the brilliant idea that we would start going out to breakfast on Friday mornings, after the kids were all off to school. Friday mornings were usually the end of his work week. He didn’t have to go to bed then. He could stay up for awhile and take a nap during the day, then sleep at night. We love to go out to eat, and breakfast is the least expensive meal for that. So, we started immediately. We would go to different places in the beginning, but eventually we had a favorite. We would talk on the ride to the restaurant. We’d talk while we waited for a table. And we talked the whole time we were at the table having our breakfast. Sometimes, we visited a store afterwards and explored some new stuff together. We were becoming friends again! Then lovers all over again! Given the setting of a good meal, in a less familiar atmosphere that wasn’t filled with reminders of disagreements and offenses, he was able to hear me and understand where I was coming from and I was able to empathize with what he was going through. Plus, there were all kinds of distractions from our problems as we met new people, explored different kinds of breakfast foods, and saw odd and funny things. We were reminded of what we liked about each other, why we loved one another and of the fact that we were loved by one another. We were replenishing our reservoir. This taught us the value of being intentional about making sure we always invest time into our relationship.
How full is your marriage reservoir today?
Maybe you’re a newlywed couple and your reservoir is brimming from all you put into it while dating, and during your engagement. You’re gonna need it! Do you have a plan to keep it topped off as you settle into married life, get to know each other on an even deeper level and start really trying each other’s patience? Or maybe your marriage is more seasoned and you’ve been drawing and drawing from your well, and you’re starting to scrape the bottom. How are you gonna go about refilling?
Everything that works for one couple won’t necessarily work for another, so you’ll have to find those things that replenish the reservoir of your marriage. Maybe you're a more active couple and would better enjoy running, rock climbing or hiking. Perhaps you're really into museums and/or travel. We recommend going to www.fivelovelanguages.com and taking the test to find out what each of your love language is, and even reading the book “The Five Love Languages” by Dr. Gary Chapman, so that you can better understand how to communicate love to each other.
Be more intentional and creative about coming together in the bedroom. We have another blog called ‘Spontaneous Sex -vs- Planned Sex’ that talks about the importance of this, and weighs the advantages of these two approaches to making it happen. We also recommend that you visit the Downloads tab on our website to access a free copy of ‘The Marriage Test’. This is a tool that can be used to help you evaluate the status of your marriage, get insight on how your spouse views it, and identify areas that need attention through a series of carefully curated questions.
Whatever your method, you must figure out lots of different ways to fill your reservoir.
So, what are some things you can start right now to intentionally add to your marriage reservoir? Share your ideas in the comments below!
#loveeffectively #marriagegodsway