Spontaneous Sex -vs- Planned
I don’t know about anyone else, but I have been weighing the benefits of spontaneous sex versus planned sex for years. The unexpectedness of spontaneous sex seems... well... sexier than planned sex. Planning sex always seemed like something stuffy people, or ‘old people’ would have to do, thereby making it the signal for the decline of your sex life. But, as I live my married life, with jobs, children, church and other responsibilities that arise, I have begun to see these two seemingly dueling vehicles to the bedroom as separate instruments in my ‘sex toolbox’. Let’s look at the pros and cons of each, shall we?
Now, after looking at the two very closely, we were able to find more benefits in planned sex. But not to throw the baby out with the bathwater, as they say (cuz babies are so darned cute, why would anybody just throw them out!?), we believe that a healthy dose of both is good for any marriage. We show love when we are into one another so much that we just have a natural desire to have sex on a regular basis, but we also show love when we decide this is what we want to do, whether or not our body or mind is onboard. So with that said…
DO plan to have sex as often as you can! I think of this passage in Proverbs 5:18-19:
“Let you fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth, A lovely deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; Be intoxicated always in her love.”
How can a wife’s breasts fill her husband with delight at all times when he hasn’t been allowed to gaze at them, or enjoy them, in so long that he can barely remember how they look… or feel? And how can he be ‘intoxicated always’ in her love when he can barely remember the last time he has experienced it? So during sexual droughts, we as married couples have to take the helm on making sure we are coming together with one another sexually. And the planning doesn’t have to be done together. One of you can plan to surprise the other. No official meeting is needed. Planned sex doesn’t have to be stuffy or ordered. So with that being said…
DO make it fun! Look for opportunities to stir up excitement of the impending encounter by texting throughout the day, exchanging glances, or sharing a lingering hug or kiss. Play ‘dress up’ and plan to wear that outfit or bedroom attire that they love — or buy something new — and let them rip it off you, or leave it on...
Now, when the desire just comes upon either of you out of the clear blue sky, by all means DO take full advantage of those opportunities as well! Another verse comes to mind:
I Corinthians 7:3-4 says, “The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.
This scripture reminds us that when we get married, our bodies are not our own to do what we please with it, but they belong to our spouses. That we aren’t justified to turn one another down for sex simply because we don’t want it at the time. One person basing their availability for sex solely on whether or not they're up to it can stifle the other’s ability to act on their impulse. Please recognize this as a genuine human need according to God’s design, and one that is meant to be fulfilled within marriage only. You are the sole person your mate can legitimately come to to get this need filled, so let’s not make it all about you. If you’re not feeling it, give it a chance anyway. Your body can be coerced into having sex, and doesn’t always have to be turned on and ready at the onset. As a lot of other things we endeavor to do, it starts with a made up mind. If this proves to be too difficult, have conversations about it. Let them know that your desire is to be available sexually, and then discuss the issues that you run into, and see if the two of you can work together to overcome them. It would be in both your best interests to do so!😉
DO have a positive approach when working to make love despite physical roadblocks! Let us not do it in a way that paints us as some kind of bedroom martyr. Be eager and willing! The right attitude is as much a blessing to your mate as doing the deed! So…
DO put effort into communicating to your mate that you desire them, love them, and want to please them sexually. And we do this by making sure we are ‘getting it in’ in the bedroom. Verse 5 of I Corinthians 7 advises:
“Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”
This verse alludes to the idea that self-control in the area of sex can be a struggle even for married couples, and that to combat it we need to make sure that we are having enough sex to satisfy each person in the relationship. And that speaks to the individuality of each marriage. The verse doesn’t give us a specific amount of times we are to come together for a given time frame, it just says that we are not to deprive our spouses. This will look differently from one marriage to another, so comparing notes with your married friends as to how much they’re having sex is not necessarily helpful. If anything, it has the potential to be harmful, just like whenever we compare ourselves to others in looks, parenting, lifestyle, etc. Each married couple is on their own road. We have some general guidelines laid out for us in the Bible, but we need to navigate our marriages prayerfully, and in consideration of how God has wired us as individuals and unique couples. But at the core, this verse is communicating to us how important it is for a married couple to come together sexually. That even if you must take some sort of break from it, you need to make sure you get right back to business when you’re done.
Throughout your marriage, you will certainly experience many seasons. This same concept is true when it comes to your sex life. There will be seasons in which you are hot for each other, and have lots and lots of spontaneous, unplanned sex. Then there will come some seasons where you just have to be more intentional about getting to the bedroom together. So, plan to have lots of sex in your marriage: When you’re struck with a craving for sex, go for it! But if you find that it’s been awhile since your last encounter, have a conversation and make plans to rectify the situation immediately! It’s another way we show love in marriage, and it binds us to one another. Have you noticed any other benefits or disadvantages to planned and/or spontaneous sex? Please share them below!